Can a Broken Mind and Body Ever be Fixed?

It seems utterly impossible. It's now been a decade since my skiing accident and I've watched my body increasingly deteriorate, robbing me of every activity I've ever enjoyed. First it was skiing, then dancing, then hiking, and now walking. I've watched my fearful mind become increasingly sick as well, terrified of how far down I've been and getting stuck in rigid patterns of behavior to try and stay safe. How could it be possible to change these deeply ingrained neural pathways in my brain? IF that was possible, could that really make a difference in my physical body?

There is some part of me deep down within that is convinced it is possible for people to experience true transformation. I have read countless books about other people's transformations, both physical and mental, and they all point to the concept that the mind can become an instrument of our healing. There is some way we can experience a total psychic change and the mind can become our friend. However, I've never believed it was possible for me. Why do I believe I am too broken?

I have struggled with a severely anxious mind since I was a young child. I vividly remember trying to go to sleep at night as a 6-yr old. I would notice my heart rate go down, as one would expect to occur as the body moved towards sleep. I found it terrifying and was convinced it meant I was going to die. I would quickly start doing bicycle movements with my legs to get my heart rate back up. I would experience a few moments of relief until the cycle would repeat itself, again and again.

I also thought about death often. My dad died by suicide when I was 6 years old and from that point forward I became terrified of my own death and the death of others close to me. I was also convinced I would be kidnapped. We lived in a town that was flat so we could bike anywhere. There was one rural stretch of road far from any houses or establishments. As the cars would whiz by I would imagine one stopping and a man inside grabbing me and taking me somewhere dark and dangerous. My mind was relentless at making me miserable.

Some of the medicines blunted the emotional pain I was experiencing enough so I could function, but I never had anything resembling freedom.

In my 20s I tried to quiet my mind with anything and everything. I tried drinking too much, experimented with over 20+ psychiatric meds and various modalities of therapy. Nothing really worked. Some of the medicines blunted the emotional pain I was experiencing enough so I could function, but I never had anything resembling freedom. I felt tortured by my mind and its impulses. Finally at 29 a psychiatrist told me there was nothing else he could offer. We had tried all different classes of medication and nothing worked for very long.

Everything worsened dramatically after my head injury. the lows I was accustomed to experiencing were more pronounced and the anxiety and anger was debilitating. I had always been able to sleep well once my mind would quiet itself, about an hour or so after going to bed. Suddenly a good night's sleep became a distant memory. It would take many hours to fall asleep, if I fell asleep at all. Some nights I would lay awake all night and then finally fell asleep after the sun rose for an hour or two. as I would lay there unwittingly scrunching my face with a desperation to sleep, I would become sucked into what felt like a battleground within my mind. It seemed my mind had become a constant source of instability and was far from safe.

Instead of feeling trapped in an endless loop of rigidity and fear, there seemed to be an expansiveness available beyond my normal level of consciousness.

After reading this book by RJ Spina on self-healing something changed within me. It was as if the words he wrote were speaking directly to my heart. I've read a lot of self-healing books in the past but nothing impacted me the way this book did. It not only gave me hope that some kind of mental transformation was possible, I felt a level of certainty I'd never experienced before that it would. I reread his book over and over again and felt his words deeply penetrate my soul. I can't really explain what happened other than something awoke inside of me, an inner fire of will and determination that seemed to radiate throughout my being. Instead of feeling trapped in an endless loop of rigidity and fear, there seemed to be an expansiveness available beyond my normal level of consciousness.

In addition to sharing his inspiring story of healing from chest down paralysis, as well as a multitude of other awful medical conditions, RJ offers 7 clear and specific steps for how to heal yourself. He broke it down like a recipe - if you repeatedly do a few of these steps each day, which include various forms of meditation, mantras and other brain exercises, you can heal yourself. I decided to give it a shot - at this stage what could I possibly have to lose?

The first time I did one of his most powerful meditations, I noticed my heart rate dropped into the low 60's, as my body entered into a calm and restful state. This was a big deal for me because my heart rate was always running uncomfortably high, even with the various meditative practices I had been doing for over a year. Within a few weeks I found my mind was starting to get quieter. I started having phases during the day where my mind was simply quiet. What a joyful break from the fearful insanity! Perhaps there was something to this and I wasn't broken after all.

I have started to believe that the pathway to healing my physical ailments is rooted in transforming these deeply held thought patterns and beliefs.

Despite these wonderful changes, I knew there was a long road ahead. There are some deeply entrenched thought patterns I repeatedly get sucked into that completely hijack every part of my soul. Every time it happens I feel as if I've fallen into a deep hole and can't remember how to get out. Despite reminding myself over and over again that these are just thoughts and feelings and will pass, it doesn't seem to matter. My brain gets convinced that something has happened that is an existential threat and we need to panic.. and panic some more. At some point, typically after a day or two, my body becomes so exhausted from panicking that I crash and finally fall asleep.

Though it's difficult to imagine ever having freedom from these deeply entrenched, most painful thought patterns, I now have hope that it's possible. That is a huge shift for me. I've started to believe I can have distance from my mind. I can walk away from the insanity. Sometimes it seems impossible but I believe through repeated practice it will get easier. I also believe that the pathway to healing my physical ailments is rooted in transforming these deeply held thought patterns and beliefs. I'm practicing staying detached from the outcome while staying committed to seeing how this journey unfolds.